Discovering Me: My Unique Journey Of Self-Identification
In a previous post, I shared my experience of being married to a transgender individual and how it intertwines with my own identity. So let’s talk about it.
Life has a peculiar way of molding us. As we age, evolve, and experience life, our understanding of self undergoes its own metamorphosis.
The road to self-recognition isn’t isolated. At every step, society, family, friends, and even random strangers like to share their own opinions about who we should or shouldn’t be. There was a time when their voices echoed louder than my own, leading to many moments of self-doubt.
Through all the ups and downs and now getting to explore motherhood, I’ve found a place where I can confidently say who I am.
My Identity
While my identity isn’t stagnant or solely defined by these three spaces, these are the ones that have received the most scrutiny. That is being polyamorous, asexual, and a lesbian.
Lesbian
I began identifying as a lesbian 13 years ago when I had a crush on a coworker. As I spent more time reflecting on this, many past experiences made more sense, like preferring to kiss my girlfriends over guy friends or gravitating towards dating guys who were generally more feminine.
I was lucky to find immediate support from a few friends and family members who helped me process many of my feelings and emotions. And when I met Eli, early on my journey, I felt validated in finding a lesbian partner that I loved connecting with.
However, this revelation was a double-edged sword. While I embraced my new identity and started to feel excited about the future, many family members grappled with it.
Some expressed deep concerns about my future, wondering aloud if I’d ever marry or have children. They would recount how I seemed so interested in boys growing up, implying this new identity was contradictory or temporary.
Some people asked me about my past, suggesting certain events might have influenced my identity. These conversations made me feel guilty and withdrawn. But as time went on, many of them started to accept and understand my identity better.
Those challenging my identity were not only family but complete strangers who felt entitled to voice their opinions. The audacity of strangers sometimes caught me off guard.
I recall an evening at a country bar where I had found another lesbian to dance and chat with. As we joked about being able to find each other in a crowd of straight people, we were soon interrupted.
A group of men, fueled perhaps by ignorance and overconfidence, decided to share their unsolicited perspectives. They boldly claimed they had the ‘cure’ for our orientation, suggesting we simply hadnβt met the ‘right’ man.
Such incidents, though disheartening, only strengthened my resolve to live authentically and educate others about the sanctity of personal identity.
Asexual
Then, there’s my asexual identity. It might seem contradictory, considering my lesbian identity, but this realization, about eight years ago, came as a relief after years of confusion and frustration.
Amidst numerous medical investigations and therapy sessions, trying to ‘identify’ what was wrong with me, a sex-positive podcast inspired me to consider an alternative thought process.
It wasnβt something broken inside me; it was simply my unique alignment and needs. Even with this clarity, certain close ones found it hard to fathom.
Despite my joy in finding this identity, it took time, patience, and open dialogue for Eli and I to truly understand and respect each other’s feelings and needs. Our bond is now stronger, having navigated this terrain together, and we’ve found a mutual space of acceptance.
However, acceptance isn’t universal. When it comes to asexuality, misunderstandings abound. Some friends and family, well-meaning though they might be, have difficulty grasping the nuances. It’s not a topic I discuss widely, but I’ve noticed raised eyebrows and questioning glances with those I do discuss it with.
My sister, for example, has tried to reconcile my asexual identity with certain aspects of my personal life. To her, my use of a vibrator or having had recent sexual partners seems incongruent with asexuality.
It’s a reminder that even those closest to us may lack a complete understanding of identities they haven’t personally experienced. The spectrum of asexuality is broad and doesn’t fit neatly into the traditional narratives of sexuality that many are familiar with.
Polyamorous
Polyamory became a journey Eli and I started exploring about eight years ago. The quizzical looks and doubts weren’t absent here, especially from family.
A space where we continue to learn and grow but also a place where I am constantly having to reassure people that I love that Eli has other partners. I do not feel abandoned by him or jealous of his other partners. I chose this life, and I am happy with the way things are.
One of the more challenging moments was when my therapist questioned whether I was actually polyamorous but rather the monogamous half of a polyamorous relationship.
Most people do not understand the joy and connection that comes from being polyamorous. Or the communication skills that Eli and I have developed over the years. And while I don’t often date, this identity holds true in my core as a value and delight.
Though deeply personal, my identities have invariably shaped my external voices and circumstances. Yet, with time and understanding, they have evolved, solidifying my place in this vast, diverse world.
As I continue this journey, I hope for greater acceptance and understanding, not just for myself but for every individual trying to find their unique voice amidst the clamor.
Defending the Fortress of Self-Identification
Truly comprehending oneself is a journey unique to each individual. This very understanding becomes an anchor in the wild spaces of societal judgment. My self-identification doesn’t destabilize othersβ. For instance, my asexual lens doesnβt reframe anyone else’s sexual narrative.
Despite this understanding, we live in a society where the constructs and norms, ingrained over centuries, aren’t always welcoming of those outside the traditional paradigms.
Identities that don’t align with the mainstream perspective are frequently bombarded with stigmas, misconceptions, or outright disdain. Each step toward self-realization and acceptance demands courage, resilience, and a profound introspection.
The pain and reservation that come with some people’s journey cannot be understated. Hence, when someone casts doubt or questions someone’s identity journey process, it feels like an undoing of all the internal growth and understanding.
Support is paramount, especially for those at the beginning stages of their self-discovery journey. Over time, through self-understanding and acceptance, they’ll either find solace in their chosen identity or continue refining their understanding of themselves.
It’s crucial to remember that our role, as onlookers or participants in their lives, is to offer encouragement and empathy.
A contentious debate in contemporary society is the questioning of trans women’s identities by certain cisgender women. The fundamental tenet here is simple: we cannot, and should not, impose our perceptions or beliefs onto another’s profoundly personal understanding of self.
The notion that a trans woman’s identification somehow diminishes or invalidates cisgender women’s identities is a misapprehension. Everyone’s self-identity is their unique domain and remains untouched by others’ choices or revelations.
Through my own experience, when Eli came out as trans-non-binary, I struggled with questions about my lesbian identity. At times I felt I was denying Eli his identity if I chose to still identify as queer. But clarity soon dawned β my identity as a lesbian was unwavering, a cherished part of who I am.
Similarly, when I embraced my asexual identity, it didn’t negate or overshadow Eli’s sexual identity. It became an exercise in mutual understanding and respect as we navigated the complexities of our intertwined lives.
The voyage of self-discovery is perpetual, constantly ebbing and flowing with life’s experiences. While I anticipate further evolutions in my identity journey, the clarity I’ve gained over the years fortifies me against external skepticism. I’ve learned the importance of self-truth, and the comfort that comes with it is invaluable.
