Changing Together: Married to a Trans Non-Binary Partner
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Writing this post is challenging because it doesn’t feel like it’s my story to tell. I am the spouse of a trans non-binary person, but I am not trans, as I identify with the gender assigned to me at birth. So I cannot tell the story of trans people, I can only tell my story.
How does this relate to a parenting blog? Well, we chose to raise our child gender-creative partly due to Eli’s own experiences with gender growing up and the challenges he faced. Additionally, as I’ve learned from and followed his experiences, I now know I want to improve things for our child.
Experiencing a person’s transformation from who they thought they were to who they truly are requires love and passion. Eli and I have been together for 12 years. We have watched each other grow and change. Watching Eli grow while moving through my own emotions helped me embrace life with more compassion and understanding.
Now, in raising a kid, I know my experience as the spouse of a trans individual has better equipped me to understand and accept a person as their whole self. There are a lot of lessons that Eli has taught me that will transfer into my ability to be a good parent.
I want this blog to help people who are going through similar things. If you know someone who is exploring their trans non-binary identity or you want to be aware of gender while parenting, I want to help and support you.
Transitioning can be very confusing and full of big feelings and choices for both you and your trans non-binary partner. By telling our story, I want to show how much love and understanding can come from these changes.
In sharing this journey, I want to create a community where everyone feels comfortable asking questions and sharing experiences. We are all learning, growing, and adjusting in our own ways. Together, we can face the challenges and enjoy the rewards of these significant life experiences.
Eli’s Transgender Identity
Eli identifies as trans non-binary. He uses both she/her and he/him pronouns. I will use he/him more often in posts but do not be confused if I change it up a bit.
Again, Eli’s story is not mine to tell, so I will not go into those details (maybe a future guest post he can write). I will tell my story, and over time, I will relate it to our story as a queer household to the decisions we make as a family.
My Lesbain Identity
Eli is the love of my life. I love him with every fiber of my being. But I will be the first to admit that I was scared when he first came out as trans non-binary. I wasn’t sure that we would make it, I wasn’t sure that I felt the same, and I wasn’t sure it was what I wanted.
At the core of this fear, I worried about what his identity meant about mine.
To give context, I dated boys until I was 24 when I finally discovered that I liked women. I jumped on the gay train quickly. I came out to my family and friends and then found Eli all within 6 months. Identifying as a lesbian felt so right. For years, I bathed in that identity. I held it like a badge of honor and had Eli by my side. I looked at and planned our future as lesbian moms and old lesbian ladies.
So when Eli first told me he thought he was trans non-binary and didn’t identify as a woman, my identity and the future I had created for us came crashing down. If Eli wasn’t a woman, did that mean I was no longer a lesbian? Did this mean that Eli didn’t want to be a mom, and my dream of being lesbian moms together was gone? How would I explain myself to people if I identified as a lesbian but had a husband? Was I denying his identity if I continued to identify as a lesbian?
I struggled. We fought. I wanted so much to hold onto what we had, but I also wanted to support Eli in the journey that he needed to take. I never told him he was wrong for wanting what he wanted, but I wasn’t sure I could remain in partnership with him.
Listening
Listening and hearing each other became our bridge to understanding. We spent countless hours sharing our fears and dreams, learning to hear what the other was saying without judgment. This was not about listening with our ears but with our hearts, fostering compassion for each other’s experiences.
So, years later and thousands of dollars in therapy (personal and couples), Eli and I are in a better place than ever.
We understand and have more patience for each other and ourselves. We’ve learned to communicate through the difficult parts and compromise with passion.
Through these challenges, I’ve discovered that my identity is mine and mine only to define. I am a lesbian, and I still hold that identity with pride. I have a trans non-binary spouse I love, who our kiddo will call Pa.
Self-care
Self-care became a cornerstone for both of us. It was vital for me to nurture my own well-being so that I could be fully present in our relationship. This meant engaging in activities that grounded me and seeking therapy to navigate my emotions.
I still feel scared and sometimes struggle when Eli talks about the next steps in his transition journey. I worry that his personality will shift when he starts taking testosterone, and I fear I won’t be attracted to him if he grows a beard. And I fear that he’ll stop loving me as he develops his identity.
The difference between now and then is that I am confident in my self-identity and our ability to talk through the hard parts.
Compromise was not about losing a part of ourselves but finding a middle ground where both of our needs could coexist. It required flexibility and the willingness sometimes to put the other’s needs ahead of our own desires.
Like so many other hurdles we have had to navigate in our relationship, this is another one that brought us closer and tighter. We will continue to set and express expectations and then discuss and reevaluate them.
Being Trans Non-Binary in World Around Us
While being married to a trans non-binary person is a unique and rewarding experience, it comes with challenges. It’s important to remember that every relationship is different, and each person’s experiences will vary depending on the specific individuals involved.
We are no different than many queer couples who fear discrimination and violence from society. We are fortunate to live in a relatively safe area for queer people. However, despite some progress, transgender individuals and their families still face significant discrimination.
Many transgender families deal with unkind words or actions from friends, family, or strangers. Even though we keep correcting them, many of our friends and family still don’t use Eli’s chosen pronouns. I’ve also had hard talks with family who say that Eli will always be a girl because he has a uterus.
When this happens, we remember that these ideas often come from not knowing or understanding enough. I try to teach our family and friends about transgender issues and stress how important it is to accept and include everyone.
Approaching the subject with kindness tends to help them listen more openly. I often share articles, books, or documentaries about queer and transgender people to help them understand the issues.
Boundaries
Setting clear boundaries is also crucial. I make it clear to the family what language and behaviors are acceptable in our presence; emphasizing that misgendering, using deadnames, or expressing transphobic views are all hurtful. I am not quick when these things happen, and my family knows I will call them out.
Talking openly with Eli about these issues ensures we understand each other and can help one another when things get tough. Staying united like this is essential as we deal with complicated relationships with other people.
Some people might not change their minds even when we try our best. It’s important to know when to engage and when to step back to look after our own mental health. We have found a lot of support and some great advice from community groups and online forums for allies and partners of transgender people. These spaces provide solace and empower us with strategies to handle the unsupportive people around us.
By using these methods, we create a more welcoming space for our close friends and the wider community. This helps society accept and include transgender people more.
Moving forward
There are many more adventures ahead of us, some of which will be harder than others. For example, as Eli continues to make decisions about transitioning, the process can be emotionally and physically demanding. Be it hormones, surgery, and more social identification, he will need support and care from all his partners, family, and friends.
I still worry that I may struggle with Eli’s physical and emotional changes. Being aware of this, I can continue to work with my therapist while communicating openly and honestly about these challenges with him.
It is essential to understand that Eli is not responsible for reassuring me or validating my fears and concerns as we go through these changes. He is responsible for taking care of his own well-being and health.
So, while I communicate my fears and struggles with him, he gets to choose whether he has the mental space to continue that conversation. We must have separate, strong support networks to support us in these spaces.
These include friends, family, and professional resources such as therapists or support groups. It is most helpful when the people we confide in have gone through or are going through similar experiences and can offer guidance and support.
During these times, creating a caring and patient space with our friends and family is essential. They need to understand the stress and challenges of transitioning. So we teach them what to expect and how they can help celebrate Eli and give me the support I need.
Community
Also, finding community resources that offer special help for partners of transgender people can be very helpful. There are groups and online forums that focus on transgender issues, offering educational materials and ways to meet people in similar situations. This can make it easier for us to deal with what we’re going through.
Celebrating every small step in Eli’s transition journey is important, too. It helps us stay positive and recognize the progress. Eli and I must celebrate these steps, which bring happiness and satisfaction from living as his true self.
Tips and Tricks
So, let’s break down some of the main points and tips that have helped Eli and me through this journey.
1. Maintain Open and Honest Communication. Continuous, open dialogue is foundational. Especially when one partner is experiencing significant life changes like gender transition. Discuss and celebrate feelings, transformations, fears, and triumphs. This strengthens the relationship and ensures that both partners feel heard and supported. It is vital to create a safe space where both partners can express their vulnerabilities without fear of judgment.
2. Educate Yourself and Your Circle. Start by learning about transgender and non-binary identities, including the challenges people face when they transition. Use what you learn to teach your friends, family, and coworkers. This will help create a supportive environment. You can share books and articles, bring speakers to talk, or just have casual conversations that help break down stereotypes and encourage everyone to be more accepting.
3. Seek and Utilize Support Systems. Both partners should find supportive groups and professional help. This can include therapists who know about LGBTQ+ issues, support groups for couples going through a transition, or online forums where you can talk about your experiences and get advice. These resources can provide amazing emotional support and practical tips for your situation.
4. Celebrate Every Step Forward. Transitioning is a profound journey filled with meaningful, significant, and small milestones. Celebrating these moments can boost morale and reinforce the progress being made. Whether it’s a name change, the start of hormone therapy, or surgery, acknowledging and celebrating each step helps both partners recognize the positive aspects of the journey.
5. Prioritize Personal Well-being. The importance of self-care must be addressed. You must be emotionally and physically well as a partner to support someone through transition. This means engaging in activities that replenish your spirit and seeking help when overwhelmed. Balancing care for your partner with care for yourself ensures you can both navigate this path more smoothly.
6. Adapt and Evolve Together. Transitioning can change many parts of life, so both partners must be flexible and open to changes in roles, who they are, and their plans. Being able to adapt helps meet your partner’s changing needs while also taking care of your relationship. This might mean changing how you connect physically and emotionally, shifting your long-term goals, or even changing your daily routines to support each other better.
Resources
When Eli started his journey, I sought as many resources as possible. Aside from therapy and online support groups, I looked for books and movies that helped me gain perspective. Here are a few of those resources.
1. The Reflective Workbook for Partners of Transgender People by D.M. Maynard. This workbook is designed to support partners of transgender individuals. It includes exercises and reflections that help you explore feelings, communicate effectively, and navigate the changes in your relationships. I loved this workbook and often refer back to it.
2. Trans Bodies, Trans Selves. A Resource for the Transgender Community, edited by Laura Erickson-Schrott. This book and accompanying blog provide detailed information on a wide range of topics related to transgender experiences. They include sections that are useful for partners and family members to better understand and support their transgender loved ones.
3. Love Always. Partners of Trans People on Intimacy, Challenge, and Resilience, edited by Jordon Johnson and Becky Garrison. This collection of essays provides personal insights and experiences from partners of transgender individuals, offering stories of love, challenge, and resilience that can encourage and provide context for partners navigating similar paths.
5. GLAAD Transgender Media Program. The GLAAD’s website offers various resources, including tips for allies of transgender people. These can be incredibly helpful for partners looking to advocate for and support their transgender partner in social, professional, and familial settings.
6. PFLAG. Originally started as a support group for parents, families, and friends of lesbians and gays, PFLAG now offers broad support for the LGBTQ+ community, including transgender individuals and their families. Their resources include support group information, literature on understanding gender, and advocacy tools.
We can do this
As we navigate these changes together, it’s crucial to remember the power of understanding and support. By staying informed and adaptable, we can help make the journey smoother for ourselves and our partners. Let’s commit to creating a supportive environment that respects and celebrates every step of the transition process. Start today by educating yourself, reaching out for professional help if needed, and encouraging open conversations in your own circles. Together, we can build a more inclusive and understanding community.
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