Navigating Public Opinion: Conversations About Gender-Creative Parenting
As much as we tell ourselves that others’ opinions don’t matter, we are inevitably affected by the feedback we receive on our life choices. One such decision was raising our child with a gender-creative approach. Now that our kiddo is a few months old, I want to share some initial reactions and conversations with friends, family, and the general public.
In essence, gender-creative parenting refrains from assigning a social gender to a child at birth. By not offering society a ‘gender’ label, our child is seen as just a baby. This prevents a push towards gender stereotypes and allows them to define their likes and dislikes beyond labels like “boy” or “girl.”
Family Reaction:
At 12 weeks pregnant, we began announcing my pregnancy to our family and sharing our decision of gender-creative parenting. With the announcement, we gave them each a copy of “Raising Them,” a resource that tells the story of another family’s gender-neutral journey. While it served as a valuable introduction to the concept for our family, it also opened the doors for questions and thoughts about the subject.
My mom quickly embraced the idea, finishing the book in two days. Although she had questions and concerns, she was able to ask for clarification and was ultimately excited.
In contrast, one of my sisters initially misunderstood our intentions. She thought it was a social stunt rather than a genuine commitment to support our child’s unique identity. After some clarification, we were able to resolve the misunderstanding, and she has been supportive.
My stepmom, initially confused, gradually began to understand and appreciate our decision. She was excited to learn that our parenting choice meant she would get to bond with the kid on her terms, regardless of gender stereotypes. With her intense desire for a baby girl, I told her she was free to play dress up and paint nails regardless of the baby’s sex.
Even with family members who I knew would fully support our decision, the concept of gender-neutral parenting was challenging to grasp. When I first told my stepsister, she was ecstatic and unwavering in support.
However, within the same five minutes, when inquiring about my pregnancy symptoms, she immediately concluded that I must be having a boy because “boys don’t give you morning sickness.” It seemed like the concept of not gendering our child based on societal constructs had gone over her head.
Extended Family Reactions:
Informing the extended family was something I left to my parents to do. My mom called each of her siblings to let them know I was pregnant while also telling them about our decision not to assign gender.
Reactions involved a mix of loving support, confusion, and, in some cases, questioning my intelligence. Nonetheless, a family letter announcing the baby’s birth and our parenting approach has gone without pushback.
As we introduce the baby to the family, we continue to see how people interact with them. At a family party, my aunt recently heard me use a specific pronoun, and she latched on. She quickly ran to my stepmom, proclaiming she knew the ‘real’ gender.
Friends and the General Public:
Reactions from friends and the general public have been diverse, often influenced by how we dress kiddo that day.
While our friends are all informed of our decision, many often default to binary pronouns, depending on the clothes the baby is wearing. So much so that those same friends will switch pronouns on the same day if we move the kid into a new outfit.
The same goes for the general public. If the baby is in pink, they are often identified as a girl or, in blue, a boy. We don’t usually correct pronouns, allowing people to assume.
Sometimes, we make the split decision to tell a stranger about gender-creative parenting, and the reactions vary wildly. Teenagers typically catch on quickly and are usually very excited about this approach. However, older individuals often struggle to understand, leading to awkward situations and questioning glares.
A few weeks ago, while we were on a family vacation, an older couple asked about the baby’s gender. I quickly responded, “Actually, we don’t do gender as a trans-inclusive and genderqueer family. We did not assign gender at birth, so we use ‘they/them’ pronouns.” The couple looked at me strangely and walked away.
Later, the couple approached my dad, praising him for his patience and ability to “keep his mouth shut .” It was a moment that reminded us that not everyone is accepting and willing to think differently than us.
Handling Questions:
Often, when asked, “Boy or a girl?” we ignore the question entirely and introduce them by name or age or some other random fact. This approach often catches people off guard, and they move on from the topic and continue enjoying the baby’s smile.
Occasionally, we’ll get pushback when using they/them pronouns. Like the lady in front of us at the grocery store who leaned in to see the baby and said, “You tell your mommy you’re not a ‘they.’ You tell her.”
It was a moment that brought mixed emotions. It was challenging to navigate, but it highlighted the importance of our parenting choice and the need for greater awareness and understanding. I chose to stop interacting with her at the moment and turned in the other direction.
In conclusion, while gender-creative parenting may not be for everyone, it highlights the broader push towards more inclusive, understanding, and diverse societies. Our firsthand experience reflects the importance of clear communication and the willingness to educate others about our unique parenting approach.
It also highlights the positive support we’ve received from our community, which values the freedom to explore one’s identity without limitations. Ultimately, we are dedicated to giving our kiddo the space and love needed to grow into their true selves.
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