Uncovering the Secrets of Lesbian Pregnancy 

I’m unsure what it is about me or if the queer community deals with it more generally, but people love to talk about my sex life. While there are dozens of examples, right now, I want to talk about the how, when, and with whom I got pregnant. 

Expanding from a previous post about conversations we have had as lesbians trying to get pregnant, I thought it would be a good idea to explain some. 

This way, friends and family can simply Google, “how do lesbians get pregnant?” rather than awkwardly asking at the next family Super Bowl party. 

So let’s start off by saying that lesbians can, in fact, get pregnant, transgender men and non-binary people can get pregnant, and single persons who have a uterus can get pregnant. Outside of the difficulties of infertility, a person with a uterus can get pregnant. 

Now, past that part, how a person gets pregnant can vary. Some of these options won’t work, or they may decide to take a more involved or different route. This isn’t to say that any path is better or correct, but that every person and family needs to decide for themselves. 

The parts needed to create a baby (and where they each come from):

Sperm

As of now, scientists have not come up with a viable or ethical way of producing offspring that does not include both a sperm and an egg. So at the very base, we need at least one of each of those. 

For persons with only eggs, sperm donation is the process by which a person donates their sperm to fertilize an egg. Sperm donors may be known to the recipient, such as a friend or family member, or they may be anonymous, in which case the sperm is obtained from a sperm bank.

When done through a medical facility, there are standard procedures for sperm donors. They are typically screened for medical and genetic conditions that may be passed on to a child. As well as provide a detailed medical and family history. Depending on the sperm bank, more testing or less testing may be provided, as well as personality testing and evaluation. 

If a donor is known, the amount of testing and medical facilitation depends on the persons involved. No one is stopping you from asking your best friend to “donate” into a cup so you can head to the bedroom with a turkey baster. However, the legality of parental rights starts to get fuzzy. 

That being said, it is highly recommended that a person or couple work with a fertility center to get pregnant. Even with a known donor, the center can refer you to the correct legal teams and counsel. 

As for sperm donors, it is essential to understand that sperm donation is a serious responsibility. A person needs to consider the potential legal, emotional, and social implications of donation.

Egg and Uterus

This is where things get more complicated. In relationships where both partners have eggs, the choice becomes whose eggs and whose uterus. 

One option is that one partner will conceive with their own egg and carry the pregnancy. In this case, the process may be as easy as needing sperm donation and artificial insemination (either in a clinic or at home). 

Another option is that one partner carries the pregnancy with the other person’s egg. This is possible with hormone therapy and in-vitro fertilization. 

That is, the person giving the egg will go through hormone treatment to stimulate the production and release of eggs. The eggs are then removed from the ovaries and fertilized with sperm. The embryos created in this process are then transferred to the uterus of the intended carrier for pregnancy, or they may be frozen for future use.

Both situations above assume that partners are not dealing with infertility. There is a possibility that one or both persons can’t produce viable eggs or carry a fetus. In this case, the couple may need to look into egg donation options, or a surrogate may need to carry the pregnancy. 

How things come together

So now that we have the parts needed to make a baby, how does one actually get pregnant? Here are some of the most common ways to get pregnant outside the basic penis/vagina sex:

Intrauterine insemination (IUI) or Artificial Insemination

This involves using sperm from either a donor or known recipient and placing it inside the uterine cavity of the person trying to get pregnant. The procedure takes about 5 minutes to complete, with another 5 suggested minutes remaining lying down. 

The sperm is placed inside the uterus, past the cervix, so that its journey to the fallopian tubes is shorter. Additionally, the sperm is often “washed” to remove seminal fluid and make it more concentrated. Both of these procedures increase the chances of the sperm meeting at the egg for fertilization. 

IUI is most successful when the person tracks their menstrual cycle, specifically ovulation. This is done in a clinic using ultrasound or at-home over-the-counter test kits. In some cases, hormones can increase the number of eggs released by the ovaries. This increases the chances of having multiples and is not usually done until the person has tried many times with no success. 

The success rate of IUI varies and depends on many factors, including a person’s age and any underlying cause of fertility issues. It’s also important to remember that building a family can be complex and emotional. Having a solid support system and taking care of oneself during this time is essential.

In-vitro fertilization (IVF)

In-vitro fertilization (IVF) is another, more commonly known, fertility treatment. It is often used by heterosexual couples struggling to get pregnant due to fertility issues. 

As mentioned above, IVF starts with a person taking hormones to increase the production and release of eggs. These eggs are then retrieved from the ovaries so they can be fertilized. If fertilization is successful, one or more of the embryos are then placed into the intended uterus or frozen for future use. 

IVF has improved over the last decade and has a higher success rate than IUI, but the process is more complex and expensive. Thus, it is recommended that a person try at least three rounds of IUI before moving on to IVF. 

It is important to speak with a fertility specialist to understand the risks and benefits of IVF and to determine the best method for an individual’s specific needs and circumstances.

At-home insemination

Yet a third option for getting pregnant, at-home insemination, is becoming more common. The process is similar to IUI in that the person trying to get pregnant artificially introduces sperm into the uterus using a home kit.

At-home insemination can be done with a known or unknown sperm donor. A lot of cryobank companies have created programs that send donor sperm and insemination kits directly to a person’s home. Alternatively, insemination kits can be purchased when the sperm donor is present and available. 

At-home insemination is not a medically supervised procedure, and the success rate is much lower than both IVF and IUI.

Legality 

So now we know the what, who, and how. But the process can get much more complicated depending on the circumstances and situation. 

Sperm donation is legal in most countries, although the regulations and laws surrounding donation can vary. In some countries, sperm donation is regulated by the government. While in others, it is overseen by private organizations or fertility clinics.

Most countries have laws that govern the use of donated sperm. This includes laws that govern the rights and responsibilities of a sperm donor and the recipients of donated sperm. These laws often address; the maximum number of children that can be born from a single donor’s sperm, the anonymity of donors, and donors’ legal rights and responsibilities concerning any children resulting from donations.

The legal process for using a known sperm donor depends on the country’s laws. Often, professional legal agreements or contracts need to be created to protect the rights and responsibilities of the parties involved. 

It is best to talk with a fertility specialist and a legal professional to understand the specific legal requirements and to ensure that all necessary steps are taken to protect your rights and those of your family members.

Our Story

Our journey in getting pregnant was pretty straightforward. Not to say that there wasn’t a lot of emotion involved, but we are fortunate to have not had to go through something difficult. 

About 2 years ago, I started talking to a local fertility clinic to understand my options. I begin reporting to them my monthly cycles while starting my search for a sperm donor. 

I had decided that I would start trying to get pregnant in 2022, which I did. In February, I went in for my first round of IUI. Eli was there with me, and it felt so surreal. What surprised us the most was that the vial of sperm looked almost purple. 

The two weeks between insemination and the first day of my period were so long. I felt hyper-aware of my body and overly concerned that I would mess it up. 

Two weeks on the dot, I woke up to take a pregnancy test. Negative. I felt neutral, not sad or happy, but neutral. The chances of me getting pregnant on the first try were low. 

I went again in March and April, both turning up negative. I did start to get frustrated a bit and started to push my doctor for the hormones that increase ovulation. Which she was very reluctant to give. 

May and June were busy months, and I missed the ovulation window because I had run out of tests or had a prior obligation. By July, I was worried I would miss it again because my ovulation day fell on the 4th of July, and I had a thing I had to be at. 

Ultimately, I prioritized myself, postponed my plans, and went for it. Again, the next two weeks were hard. Especially since I went on vacation with a group of friends who heavily drank and I was abstaining. 

Eli was out of town with their other partner on the day I took the test. I took the test first and thought I could see the slightest second line. I texted messaged a pic to Eli and said, I wasn’t sure but maybe. Half asleep, he thought I said no and went back to bed. 

I took a second test a few hours later, but it was still unclear if it was positive. That’s when my housemate and I went to the store to buy a more expensive test. That one was a definite yes. 

I immediately messaged Eli, and he was so confused because he thought I had said no earlier. The reality of it took quite a few days to sink in. And I still didn’t accept it until weeks later when we had passed the safety point of miscarriage. 

So pregnant in four tries using an unknown sperm donor and IUI.

Circling back to the point of this post, as a way to provide information to friends and family members of those trying to get pregnant. What other questions do you have?