Wildly Invasive Conversations as Lesbians Trying to Get Pregnant
Any queer millennial can give you a laundry list of awkward questions their straight, well-meaning friends and family have asked them. From the, When did you know? To the, Have you ever even been with a ….? These questions arenβt new to us, and they never end.
As a lesbian who has always wanted kids, the questions around the logistics of my getting pregnant started a long time ago.
So here are a few of the invasive questions and follow-up conversations I have had over the years with friends and family about my getting pregnant.
Whose sperm will you use?… You can have my/my partnerβs/my uncleβs sperm.
This was funny the first time someone said it, but it got to a point, after years and dozens of propositions, that it started to get to me.
About 8 years ago, while sitting at brunch with some family, the conversation about my partner and I someday having kids came up. My aunt was very confused about how lesbians could get pregnant. My cousin and I joked with her about using a turkey baster, and my cousin offered up her husband (then boyfriend) as the donor. Haha funny.
Except, over the years, it became nearly every person with a penis or their significant other offering themselves up. My sister suggested her boyfriend. My mom once suggested we ask my uncle. My partnerβs brother had a βseriousβ conversation with me the night before our wedding about how he wanted to help us. Friends, or friends of friends, would talk about their fantastic sperm count. Random people Iβd meet at a party would offer to go home with me like it was a pickup line.
Initially, when we werenβt quite sure what we wanted to do, we considered some of these offers and assessed the feasibility. But over time, it started to feel invasive. It got to a point where it stopped being funny.
It was hard to have a conversation with anyone about wanting to get pregnant without them offering up themselves or someone they knew. I even had friends who straight-up offered to have sex with me to donate. And it wasnβt a one-off joking offer. They would bring it up constantly. I got to the point where I stopped sharing with people. I didn’t want to hear peopleβs suggestions anymore. My partner and I would make the right decision for ourselves.
At one point during the journey of getting pregnant, we spoke to a fertility therapist, and she was mind-blown by this. She said she had worked with dozens of lesbian couples, and this was the first time she had heard of this happening.
It was weird.
Since getting pregnant, a friend told us that her husband is upset with us because we didnβt ask him for sperm. But not to worry because he would still be available if we wanted to have more kids in the future.
There are a handful of options for queer people trying to get pregnant. The steps with each option vary, and the opinions surrounding each option vary. Regardless, it is a very personal decision and very often private. Unless a person or a couple choose to offer you that information, please donβt ask them.
How do you do it?
Most people have not had to think about it and thus do not understand how gay people get pregnant and think itβs okay to ask for this personal information. I donβt recall you asking my cousin what sex positions she and her husband used to get pregnant; why is this different?
Plus, itβs 2023, and you have the internet. Google βhow do lesbians get pregnant.β You’ll find a ton of information; from informative medical journals to lesbian blog posts. I even wrote a blog for quick and easy reference for the friends and family that continue to ask me. Often, these posts will give you a few main options that you can then dive into and research more information to help you understand. I donβt want to sit down with Uncle Bill and explain the details of IUI.
This is also one of those spaces where people think itβs okay to offer themselves up to help you get pregnant.
Imagine your best guy friend and his wife are struggling to get pregnant. How weird would it be to offer to have sex with his wife to help them out? See if you could get her pregnant for them. Or how strange it would be to ask them what they were doing to try and get pregnant in the first place; maybe you have some tips or tricks to βgetting it done.β
This is, once again, one of those very personal spaces. If a couple wants to share the details of this adventure with you, thatβs great, and Iβm excited that you have that connection with them, but please donβt ask.
Who will be the father figure?
This question bothers me in ways beyond being a lesbian. It questions the millions of birth parents out there who have had to raise their kiddos alone. Those who have had unplanned pregnancies with persons they have no connection with or those who have lost their supporting parent somewhere along the way.
It blows my mind how often I receive statements of concern from friends and family about who will teach my kid about βboy thingsβ if they turn out to be a boy.
I will return to this topic in other posts, but gender is a social construct we built. See my post on gender-neutral parenting. There is no such thing as a βfather figureβ outside the box that we have created for humans to exist in. There is no reason that a kid can not learn how to throw a baseball from someone other than a βfather figure.β In the same sense, they canβt learn how to bake a pie from someone other than a βmother figure.β
My partner and I are equals in all aspects of our relationship and how we plan to parent. There are things that I am better at and will teach the kiddo, and there are things that my partner will do better at teaching.
So What?
Many may read this and think Iβm grumpy and bitter. That itβs not a big deal and people donβt mean harm by it. When Iβve voiced this concern to some people, their typical response is that people are just curious and want to be supportive. But itβs been 12 years of me educating my family and friends about what being gay is and how my life is different. I am exhausted from having to explain it over and over and over again. Go look on Google.
