Understanding Allyship: From Passive Support to Active Engagement
I came out as queer over ten years ago, and oh boy, has it been a journey. Over the years, I’ve learned a lot about allyship and how my friends and family choose to support me. Some people are active in their support—they speak up and stand with me, while a handful of others stay quiet and watch from the sidelines.
As I’ve gone through this experience and watched who “has my back,” I’ve learned the difference between active and passive allyship. After 10 years, I know which people will get angry over the injustices around me and which will brush it off like it’s no big deal.
So, I want to share and explain these two types of allyship and what they could look like. I want to emphasize why being an active ally is so important and tips on becoming one. So, let’s dive into how we can all be better supporters and create real change together.
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The Personal Impact of Coming Out
My coming out story was quick and sweet. I didn’t sit with my queerness for long, worrying about how people would react. I started questioning my sexuality sometime in February of 2010 and was fully out to friends and family by October 2010 when I met Eli.
Initially, there was a mix of reactions. Some friends and family members were enthusiastic, while others took time to come around. Overall, my family is on board and awesome, and we rarely run into conflict.
But coming out hasn’t been just a one-time announcement. As Eli and I grew and our identities evolved, I found myself continuously educating those around me about the nuances of queerness.
Over time, as I’ve continued to have these conversations, I’ve experienced the different ways people show up as either passive or active allies. As I shared new parts of who I am over the years, it became easier to see who supports me and how they do it based on their reactions to my changing story.
Passive vs. Active Allyship
So, let’s break down what I mean by passive and active allyship.
Passive Allyship
Akin to the supportive friend who cheers from the sidelines. They show up, they smile, and they nod at the right times during social events. However, they tend to shy away from getting into deeper, tougher conversations about LGBTQ+ rights and issues.
They support in silence rather than through active participation. They like to stay in their comfort zone from afar. And while these people often give great words of encouragement, they hesitate to stir up conflict to keep the peace.
A significant portion of my family falls into this category. They’ve been my cheerleaders since the beginning, loving me unconditionally. Yet, they’re not the ones I find beside me at rallies or the ones I call to share my frustration over injustices affecting the LGBTQ+ community.
They prefer to watch from the sidelines and often respond to my attempts to discuss more significant issues with comforting but ultimately unhelpful comments.
“The world has changed a lot since back then,”
“Just ignore them, they’ll go away,”
Or “You don’t want those types of people in your life anyway.”
While they mean well, these responses often feel dismissive and overlook the queer community’s challenges and discrimination.
This group of people makes it easier to exist in a world of injustice, but they’re not the ones who will change it. I love these people who have been at my side from the beginning.
Active Allyship
Then there’s active allyship. This group is vocal and present. They take the time to educate themselves on LGBTQ+ issues, challenging their biases and using their voices to amplify mine. They stand with me at rallies, confront discrimination, and strive to view the world through an inclusive lens.
Among my circle, active allies are fewer but fiercely valuable. Some friends and family members have started to move into this space, and I hope to see more over time. However, it’s a challenging space to inhabit, especially for those who don’t share the same queer identity.
My involvement in a queer-identifying non-profit has introduced me to a community where active allyship thrives. Members passionately work to make a difference, regardless of their personal identities. I have found a fantastic community and some lifelong friends in this group.
Active allyship is not about perfection but a willingness to learn, grow, and stand by us in action, not just in thought. It demonstrates that support is an active endeavor, not just a passive feeling.
My middle sister is a great example of a growing active ally in my life. Despite her initial struggles with me being gay, due to her Christian values, she is often the first person to speak out against homophobia and transphobia. Also, she frequently reaches out to me to gain understanding and education. And she will get passionate with me, advocating for love over judgment.
Why Active Allyship Matters
In today’s world, where basic human rights are often at risk, the importance of being an active ally must be prioritized. We need more than silent nods; we need voices that stand up against unfairness and help push everyone toward equal rights.
Active allyship means understanding the issues and taking clear steps to make a difference. This means joining rallies, supporting laws that bring change, and standing up against unfair comments. Active allies use their influence, big or small, to spread the word about important causes and support groups fighting for equality.
Active allies take the time to recognize their own privileges and figure out ways to use those privileges to support others. In a world where unfair treatment and deep-rooted problems are common, active allies help build support towards something better. They bring energy, support, and attention to these critical issues.
Being an active ally also makes our communities, workplaces, and schools better and more welcoming for everyone. When people act as allies, they help create a respectful and understanding atmosphere. With such spaces, we can reduce discrimination and violence towards the queer community.
Now, I will admit that it isn’t an easy space to be part of, and it’s not always fun getting here. It often means stepping out of your comfort zone or facing tough situations. It can sometimes mean conflict with other loved ones. But it’s necessary to bring about real change. The more active allies there are, the stronger we are in fighting injustice and ensuring everyone is treated equally. This is how we can truly make significant changes in society.
How to Become an Active Ally
Becoming an active ally means learning about LGBTQ+ issues, joining discussions, attending events, and using your platforms to speak out for change. Here are some ways to get started:
Educate Yourself. A great way to start your journey to becoming an active ally is through books and films that cover LGBTQ+ history, culture, and rights. Take the time to learn from these perspectives and explore how they differ from your own. For example, “Stone Butch Blues” by Leslie Feinberg examines the complex life of gender identity through the experience of a working-class butch. The story highlights the struggles and resilience of the transgender community during a time of extreme intolerance and miseducation.
Another great resource for information is the documentary “The Death and Life of Marsha P. Johnson,” which explores the mysterious life and death of Marsha P. Johnson. As a key figure in the Stonewall riots, Marsha was persistent in advocating for transgender rights. The movie dives into her influence on the LGBTQ+ community, her tragic death, and the ongoing fight for justice in her case. This film does an excellent job of highlighting the systemic obstacles faced by so many transgender individuals.
Additionally, there are dozens of LGBTQ+ activists and educators on social media. Take the time to find a few who can keep you informed about the latest community news and achievements. Influencers like Alok Vaid-Menon and Munroe Bergdorf use their platforms to discuss gender diversity and LGBTQ+ rights. They offer valuable perspectives and updates on social issues affecting the queer community.
Speak Up. Whenever you witness homophobic or transphobic comments at work or in your community, don’t stay silent. Challenge these remarks by explaining why they are harmful and incorrect. For instance, if someone uses a derogatory term, you could say, “I know you might not have intended to be hurtful, but that term can be very offensive to LGBTQ+ people. It’s more respectful to use [suggest an appropriate term].”
Offer alternative, respectful ways to speak about LGBTQ+ individuals. Educate those around you about the importance of using inclusive language, such as saying “partner” instead of assuming a person’s significant other’s gender or using “they/them” pronouns if you’re unsure of someone’s gender identity.
Correcting pronoun usage gently is also crucial to being an ally. If someone mistakenly uses the wrong pronouns for a colleague or friend, gently correct them by saying, “Actually, Alex uses ‘they/them’ pronouns,” and then continue the conversation. It’s not about calling someone out but about educating and fostering an environment where everyone feels seen and respected.
By speaking up, you create a culture of respect and inclusivity. It’s about ensuring that all interactions in your space acknowledge and value the diversity of all community members. This proactive approach educates others and supports a safer and more welcoming environment for everyone.
Support LGBTQ+ Businesses and Artists. Supporting LGBTQ+ businesses and artists is a great way to contribute to the community’s economic empowerment. Make a conscious effort to buy products and services from queer businesses. Then, share and encourage the same with friends and family to increase sales and visibility. For example, if you’re looking for a new book, consider buying from a local LGBTQ+ bookstore. Online platforms such as Etsy or Redbubble often feature queer artists who sell original artwork, prints, and handmade goods.
When attending Pride events or local markets, seek out booths and vendors from the LGBTQ+ community. Purchasing clothing, jewelry, or home decor from these vendors provides direct financial support and helps promote their skills beyond the community.
You can also support LGBTQ+ artists and creators online. For example, you can subscribe to their YouTube channels, follow them on Instagram, or listen to their music on sites like Bandcamp. Sharing their work online and telling their friends about it can help them reach more people and become more successful.
Supporting these artists and businesses helps them do well even when there’s a lot of competition. It also shows that you support them and want to see their creative work and businesses grow. This is a great way to show you care about the LGBTQ+ community.
Volunteer: Volunteering is a powerful way to support the LGBTQ+ community. Many LGBTQ+ groups and community centers need help with office tasks and planning events.
For example, find local LGBTQ+ centers that need help setting up workshops, counseling sessions, or social events like parties or support groups. These centers also look for help with programs that raise awareness or directly assist people in the community.
Volunteering at LGBTQ+ support hotlines is also important. These hotlines help people who may not have access to other resources. Volunteers get training to handle sensitive calls, which allows them to provide real support and important information to callers.
You can also get involved in organizing local Pride events. These events help raise awareness and support for the LGBTQ+ community. You might help plan the event, promote it, set up the venue, or work with vendors and attendees. Pride events celebrate LGBTQ+ identities and are important for teaching the public and promoting inclusivity.
If you have special skills like graphic design, writing, and legal knowledge or can provide mental health support, consider offering your skills for free to LGBTQ+ organizations. This helps them improve their work and reach more people.
Volunteering allows you to use your time and skills directly to help LGBTQ+ people. This supports them and helps you learn more about the different experiences within the LGBTQ+ community.
Through these actions, you can turn passive support into active engagement. You’ll be contributing to a society where equality and respect for LGBTQ+ individuals are not just expected but demanded. Together, let’s create a world where everyone, regardless of gender identity or sexual orientation, is treated with dignity and equality!
Here’s to the future
To my loved ones and readers, whether you started as passive allies or have always been active in your support, your presence in my life is invaluable. But remember, allyship is not static; it’s an ongoing commitment to grow, learn, and act.
To those still navigating this diverse world, every step toward understanding, every effort to educate yourself, and every decision to speak up enriches not only the lives of LGBTQ+ individuals but also your own.
In this vibrant world, every form of allyship counts. Let’s cherish, nurture, and push it towards more active, engaged forms. Here’s to a more inclusive and beautiful tomorrow.
