Not Our Parent’s Rules: Breaking the Negative Cycle when Raising Our Kid
Every family, parent, and guardian gets to set baseline expectations and values on how they want their kiddos to perceive the world around them. Whether it’s about religion, family structure, or screen time, these are individual choices that a family gets to set and hold.
Our family has a set of values that we feel very passionate about. We ask that others respect these values when interacting with our kiddo. We often need to remind, reinforce, and explain why we have chosen to parent in a specific way, but most people have been very respectful of our decisions.
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Nothing belongs to just 1 gender. Everyone gets to try everything!
Given our decision to raise our kiddo using gender-creative parenting, this one shouldn’t come as a surprise. We want our child to have the opportunity to play with and try all things. Colors aren’t gendered, trucks aren’t just for boys, and painted nails aren’t just for girls. Luckily, the concept that activities or items are not gendered has gained immense momentum in recent years, with everyone having access to almost anything they want.
This has helped decrease the assumption that certain activities are reserved for a particular gender or group of people, giving everyone the chance to experience what they choose, regardless of gender. While we understand that our kid may eventually prefer specific things that may align with society’s expectations of gender, we plan to instill a mindset that everyone gets to play with everything.
Our hope in this outlook is to promote equality and diversity, allowing us to see each other as unique individuals instead of assigning invisible labels. As we continue to teach our kids that activities and items don’t belong to one gender, we continue to transform our culture, allowing us to break down previously existing limitations, encouraging everyone to explore their interests freely, and making the world safer for those who choose to be different.
No pictures of kiddo’s face on any social media platform
As parents who have worked in the tech industry for nearly a decade, we know all too well the shit that goes on in the background. With the ever-increasing presence of social media and the proliferation of digital media, it is now more important than ever to ensure that you are careful about what information you share about your children online.
Generally, we refrain from posting pictures of your child’s face on social media or other online platforms. This is definitely not easy, as we are proud parents and want to show off our adorable growing baby.
Unfortunately, there are scary, awful people in the world. There are child predators who seek out photos of children for sexual gain. Some people create long-running profiles of children, leading to identity theft and other security issues later in life.
Overall, it’s just not a good idea to post pictures of your kiddo online, and if you do, make sure you avoid showing their face. It has to mean something when the big-wig CEOs of these social media companies won’t even post their kids on the internet.
Touch and affection must be consensual. No means no when kiddo doesn’t want a hug.
A child’s right to consent must be respected at all times, even when it comes to something as seemingly harmless as a hug. Many of us grow up being guilted into giving Uncle Phil a hug or Aunt Jill a kiss. We were taught that other people’s need to feel wanted was more important than our comfort in being touched.
More and more parents are now realizing how traumatizing that experience was and working hard to give their children a different option. It can be as simple as asking a child if they want a hug or a high five instead of assuming that they would enjoy an embrace; if a child says no, then that should never be an invitation for further persuasion – no means no!
By giving kids this autonomy at a young age, they will be better able to express their boundaries and feel safer and more secure. We teach them that their body is their own, and they get to decide when it is touched. This understanding should persist into adulthood and their adult relationships.
There are dozens of great books that teach kiddos about consent and empower them to say ‘yes’ or ‘no.’ One of my favorites is Yes! No!: A First Conversation About Consent
We do not comment on people’s bodies or body parts.
This is another one of those issues that many Gen X and Millennial parents grow up dealing with. Constantly being told what our bodies should look like in order to be considered beautiful and worthy. Everyone had their opinion on the ‘correct’ body type, from television to our teachers to our parents.
We know a lot more today, and we know that bodies can come in all shapes and forms and that our self and value are not determined by what our bodies look like. Big bodies can be healthy and active. Little bodies can be strong. Some bodies may have parts that look and move differently. They are all valid bodies.
Taking care of our bodies and understanding what is nutritious is an important part of living life to its fullest. It’s critical to remember that we are only in charge of our bodies, and we should not comment on other people’s bodies or body parts.
We help our bodies grow by learning and understanding what foods nourish us, finding ways to be active, and getting plenty of sleep. By caring for our bodies, we continue to thrive mentally and physically. By respecting other people’s bodies and the decisions they make for themself, we continue to foster healthy, respectful relationships.
A great book for kids is Bodies Are Cool.
Food has no moral value; it is neither healthy nor unhealthy.
Years ago, I participated in an intense activity that required me to track my food down to the 10th of an ounce. I spent months worrying about the extra piece of broccoli on my plate. It was stressful and mentally draining. I look back on it now and see how disordered and ridiculous the whole thing was. I never want to put that kind of pressure on my child.
Many of us can probably relate to a time when our parents told us something was ‘healthy’ or ‘unhealthy’ or that we needed to “watch what we ate.”
All adding to the guilt we feel today for enjoying a cookie or an extra serving of pasta.
Food is fuel, and fueling our bodies should be the primary consideration when deciding what to eat. It thus becomes about teaching our kids the nutritional components of foods and how each of those components supports our bodies in different ways.
Protein helps build muscle. Carbohydrates give us brain power. Fats give us longer-lasting energy.
We can then talk to our kids about how much of each type of food we should eat, when we should eat them, and in combination with other types of food. We can talk about different diets that exist based on personal health needs (diabetes, silicas, food allergies) or beliefs associated with ethical consumption. But in general, we want to teach our kids that all food can be enjoyed as part of an overall diet.
Food is integral to the human experience and has been for centuries. It can bring people together, ease sadness, and lift spirits. I love experiencing the culture and flavors of new food, and I’m so excited to share them with my kid.
A parent’s job is never over.
As parents, it is our job to first set boundaries for our children and then teach them how to set their own boundaries. We are here to provide a safe and loving environment where they can explore their interests without judgment and fear.
We lead by example when we choose not to comment on other people’s bodies or describe food as being “healthy” or “unhealthy.” We allow them to grow and learn what feels good to them.
These are all decisions we have made for our family, and they may not align with the values of other families. Still, we ask the people in our lives to please respect our decisions as parents and take some time to learn more about why we are setting these boundaries.
What baseline expectations and values have you set for your family, and how do you go about explaining them to your immediate circle? If you have any questions, feel free to ask us clarifying questions.
