Watching from the Sidelines: Life as a Gender-Creative Parent
Being a gender-creative parent in a non-traditional family often feels like watching the world from the sidelines. Especially in a society so wrapped up in gender norms. I am so immersed in the ways gender captivates our every move, yet the rest of the world appears so oblivious.
I am navigating parenthood a bit older than some. However, I am fortunate to have a great group of friends and family who’ve also decided to embark on this journey later in life. It’s an amazing experience. Getting to parent alongside some of my best friends as such a supportive and incredible group of people.
Yet, despite this support, it’s clear that my approach to parenting—free from the traditional confines of gender—isn’t something many in my circle would choose for themselves. Our decision to raise Evan without strict gender norms has been met with love and support. At the same time, it’s a path less traveled by our friends and family.
Navigating Social Norms and Expectations
This journey isn’t without frustrations, especially when societal norms around clothes, toys, and activities are gendered. It’s disheartening to browse a baby shower registry filled with pink because “it’s a girl,” or to have hand-me-downs rejected because they don’t fit a child’s perceived gender.
In this mix, a handful of friends and family genuinely see and support our gender-creative journey and non-traditional family. They nod in agreement, showing understanding and sometimes even admiration for our choice. Yet, when it comes to their public declarations, they breeze right past our conversations to announce their child’s gender in traditional ways.
It’s a curious contrast highlighting the gap between private support and public adherence to gender norms. I don’t expect everyone to mirror our approach. Still, it has been refreshing to see an occasional pause or a moment of consideration just before they align so quickly with societal expectations. Such moments spark broader reflections on the nature of gender and the freedom we afford our children to define themselves.
Gender Reveals
There are moments that stand out in my memory and continue to push me forward in this journey to show the world that things can be different. One such memory involved a friend’s gender reveal on social media. It was a simple post, but wow did it hit Eli hard, who was starting to navigate his own gender identity at the time.
Gender reveals as a whole, while meant to celebrate the upcoming arrival of a new life, can unwittingly contribute to a culture that imposes identities and expectations on individuals before they even have a chance to explore their own sense of self. The certainty with which society labels children without understanding their personal journey can be painful.
It’s challenging to expect everyone to see beyond the binary. Especially those not immersed in queer culture or familiar with the concept of non-binary identities. Still, we hope our presence encourages people to question their assumptions about gender.
Take my friend, Marie, for example. She’s a beacon of social awareness and actively advocates for progressive causes. Yet, she’s captivated by the charm of the 1920s musicals. She longed for a time when traditional gender roles were the norm. Her imagination is drawn to scenes of old-school chivalry, where dashing men woo delicate ladies.
When it comes to her own child, perceived to be female, Marie’s narrative is laced with heteronormative assumptions. At merely 2 years old, discussions about her child’s future husband are already on the table. And with friends who have boys, she eagerly speculates about their wedding day, painting a picture that seems more fitting for a bygone era than our current one. Even her husband joins in, wielding the most stereotypical dad taunts of “No Boys” until she’s married.
The Subtle Shifts Towards Awareness
For many outside the LGBTQ+ community, gender and sexuality aren’t daily considerations. These comments about boys and girls come naturally, a reflection of societal norms rather than personal bias. But for those living outside these norms, every comment, every assumption, is noticed.
Despite these settled observations, it’s evident that our friends, including Marie, have become more mindful of our presence. I notice their efforts to tweak their language and hold back on certain comments. While the last thing I want is for my friends to feel they must tiptoe around me, this shift in behavior marks a subtle victory. It’s a sign they’re pausing to consider their words, a small but meaningful step towards broader awareness and sensitivity. This awareness, even if just a glimmer, suggests that our journey as a gender-creative family sparks reflection among those we hold dear.
Finding Guidance in Gender-Creative Advocacy
As we venture further into the realm of gender-creative parenting, it becomes clear that there are not many guides or role models available to light our path. This scarcity is a significant part of why I felt compelled to create this space. I hope to offer support and inspiration to parents who share our aspirations.
Among the few invaluable resources I frequently recommend is Kyl Myers’s book, “Raising Them.” Myers has pioneered practicing and advocating gender-creative parenting, setting a profound example for families like ours. The book details their journey with both warmth and wisdom. It serves as a beacon for understanding the nuances of raising children without the strictures of traditional gender norms.
Myers’s work is not just educational; it’s a source of solace and inspiration. It reminds us of the importance of allowing our children the space to explore and define their identities on their own terms. Through her advocacy and personal narrative, Myers has carved out a roadmap for those seeking to embrace a more inclusive and open-minded approach to parenting.
While books like Myers’s are helpful, they also highlight a gap. There aren’t many guides from the LGBTQ+ community, especially from trans parents who are on similar journeys. This lack of voices reminds us how crucial representation is and how powerful community support can be, especially for those seeking guidance and solidarity.
Even Within the Queer Community, there is Struggle
The need for diverse perspectives is evident. Especially when decisions within the queer community appear to go against gender-creative parenting principles. For example, a well-known trans couple from Europe, known for their trans rights activism and sharing their own identity journeys, chose to have a gender reveal for their children before birth. This was surprising, considering their deep involvement in gender identity issues and the expectation that they might challenge traditional norms. This situation shows the personal and varied ways people approach gender. Reminding us that the landscape of parenting and identity is broad and complex.
Instances like these highlight the diversity of opinions within our community. and show how complex personal choices about gender and parenting can be. They remind us that our journey includes many different approaches and viewpoints, all adding to a deeper understanding of parenting beyond traditional gender norms.
We’ve Got This
Our experience with gender-creative parenting has been both challenging and rewarding. As we begin our parenting journey, our supportive yet traditionally-minded friends and family highlight the complexities of raising a child without strict gender norms. Despite the obstacles and societal expectations, the love and support for our decision to raise Evan in this environment are evident. This process is not only about guiding our child but also about encouraging those around us to reconsider their views on gender.
Navigating through these experiences, from the frustrations with gendered expectations to the surprising decisions within our own community, has reinforced the importance of creating spaces for discussion and understanding. It’s a reminder that while our approaches may differ, the underlying goal remains the same: to allow our children the freedom to explore and define their identities in a world that recognizes and celebrates diversity.
As we continue, the discussions from our gender-creative journey, both close to home and further afield, show how parenting and identity are changing. This path is rich with different views and choices, each adding to a broader conversation about fully supporting each child’s unique path. In this effort, we draw strength from our community, find comfort in shared experiences, and see hope in the gradual move toward a more inclusive view of gender.
