Kindness: A Lesson in Parenting and Overcoming Fears

Kindness is a fundamental lesson in parenting, a journey filled with unparalleled joys and, let’s be honest, some intense fears. We often hear about the sleepless nights and the never-ending diaper changes. But what about the mental load that rarely gets discussed? I’m talking about the deep-seated fear of “messing up” our kids despite our best efforts.

Maybe it’s just me, or perhaps it’s a silent worry all parents carry, but the thought keeps me up at night. I’m doing everything I can, yet what if my child grows up resenting me or developing traits I wish I could’ve prevented?

Our generation is particularly vocal about calling out our parents’ mistakes despite them doing their best with the knowledge they had. It’s a cycle of reflection and hope for doing better with our own kids.

An adult holding a baby with a hat on — Photo by RDNE Stock project on Pexels

Gender-Creative parenting

Navigating gender-creative parenting with our kiddo is among my deepest concerns and greatest hopes. Gifting them the liberty to explore their gender identity free from societal boxes is both exhilarating and daunting. Given that gender-creative parenting is a relatively recent concept, there’s a scarcity of long-term studies to guide us.

Diane Ehrensaft’s “The Gender Creative Child” draws on her rich background as a developmental and clinical psychologist. Ehrensaft provides invaluable insights into supporting children who navigate outside traditional gender lines. She champions the idea that children thrive psychologically when given autonomy to explore their gender identities.

Her book stresses the necessity of creating supportive spaces where children can freely express themselves. This principle resonates deeply with parents, educators, and therapists dedicated to affirming a child’s unique gender journey.

Yet, despite such expert guidance, debates persist. Critics worry about the potential confusion stemming from a lack of gender-specific guidance. Nonetheless, the compelling evidence of positive outcomes for children getting to explore freely, tips the scale toward the benefits of this approach.

Alternatively, we can extend the conversation in the opposite direction and discuss the impact of enforcing strict gender roles. Specifically, roles that often result in the hypermasculinization or hyperfeminization of children.

This rigidity can significantly hinder a child’s psychological growth and self-expression. For example, boys who are pushed towards hypermasculine, often show increased aggression and lower emotional intelligence. In turn, this links to a higher propensity for bullying and social challenges.

“The Journal of Adolescent Health” highlights these concerns in a handful of various studies, advocating for a societal shift towards valuing emotional openness and vulnerability as keys to healthier development. This underscores the harm of stringent gender norms on children’s emotional and social well-being.

Despite the fears accompanying my choice to embrace gender-creative parenting for Evan, the support from experts like Ehrensaft and the encouraging findings from various studies provide a solid foundation of reassurance.

This collective wisdom, affirming the advantages of allowing children to explore their gender identity, brings comfort. It assures me that fostering an environment for Evan to find and express their authentic self is a path worth taking. This journey, illuminated by kindness, understanding, and support, offers hope for nights filled with more rest and fewer worries.

Family walking on path - showing kindness and patients — Photo by Vidal Balielo Jr. on Pexels

Polyamorous Family Structures

Our family’s polyamorous structure introduces a unique set of concerns, especially with how Evan perceives our unique relationships. The worry that Evan will forget who Eli is when he is away. Or fear that Mama loves someone more than Pa. The concern that they might feel confused or resentful about our connections with others is a real one for us.

However, research like Elisabeth Sheff’s study “Children in Polyamorous Families: A First Empirical Look,” gives us hope. Sheff found that kids in polyamorous families often get a lot of emotional support from having many caring adults around. This kind of family setting not only gives kids different viewpoints and role models but also helps them get better at talking about tricky topics like relationships, boundaries, and feelings.

Importantly, Sheff’s research touches on the resilience and adaptability of these children in the face of societal scrutiny. Indicating that a solid foundation of support and dialogue within the family can empower children to navigate and counteract stigma. Moreover, Sheff highlights that the essence of positive child outcomes stems more from the quality of relationships within the family than the specific family structure.

This evolving body of research reassures us that the conventional nuclear family model isn’t the only blueprint for raising well-adjusted, happy children. Insights from Sheff and others reinforce the value of the diverse, loving, and supportive environment we’re creating for Evan. They underscore the potential for children in polyamorous families to thrive, equipped with resilience, emotional intelligence, and an open-hearted view of the world.

Reflecting on this, my initial apprehensions are easing. They give way to a growing confidence in the strong support network we’ve established for Evan. It reaffirms our belief that, regardless of our family’s structure, the foundational principles of kindness, love, and open communication are what truly matter in nurturing a happy, healthy child.

Photo of adult and child looking at imac, showing kindness — Photo by Julia M Cameron on Pexels

Family Blogging

Eli and I often worry that this blog might someday become a source of discord with Evan. In today’s climate, the ethics of family vlogging are under intense scrutiny. The distinction between sharing meaningful moments and oversharing is more critical than ever. Our commitment is to navigate this space respectfully and ethically, always putting Evan’s privacy and autonomy first.

The digital era has amplified the debate around family vlogging. It spotlighted the fine line influencers navigate between public and private life. While sharing family experiences can foster community and understanding, the potential for exploitation looms large, challenging the very principles of responsible parenthood.

As parents, our core responsibility is to protect and nurture our children. We most ensure they have a safe haven from the external gaze. It’s troubling to see instances where this sanctity is compromised for fame or financial gain. With children unwittingly placed at the center of a digital spectacle. Such actions not only invade their privacy but may also expose them to risks online, a nightmare scenario for any parent.

This raises a fundamental question. How do we share our lives in a way that honors our children’s right to privacy and autonomy? It’s about finding a balance and setting boundaries that respect our children’s future comfort with their digital footprint. This dilemma is not about condemning the sharing of family life online but about considering the long-term impact on our children’s well-being.

Integrating these reflections into our parenting approach requires a delicate balance. We aim to celebrate our family’s story while meticulously guarding the privacy of our children’s childhood. This approach ensures that our online legacy is one of love, respect, and protection, embodying the essence of thoughtful and responsible parenting in the digital age.

Kindness above all

Amid all the worries and fears of being parents, Eli and I keep returning to one big goal for Evan. We want them to be kind. In a world that is often cold, teaching Evan to be kind feels like the most important thing we can do. It’s not just about avoiding mistakes; it’s about helping to build a world filled with love, understanding, and kindness.

This goal goes beyond just trying to prevent wrongs. It’s about actively creating a better future where Evan and kids like them can make a positive impact. We want to raise a good human, a person whose kindness can make someone’s day better or even change their life.

Parenting is a journey full of ups and downs, and we don’t always know the way. But sharing our fears reminds us why we’re doing all this. By talking about these worries, we start conversations that can help all of us feel less alone and more supported.

I’m really looking forward to hearing from you all in the comments. Your stories and fears can help us all feel a bit braver and ready for what’s ahead. Together, we’re on this complicated but unique path of raising the next generation, and each step we take is part of a bigger journey.

I hope that years from now, we can look back at this time, not with regret for what we were afraid of but with pride in how we faced those fears. We strive to guide Evan to be a person who spreads kindness. This will show us that we’ve done something extraordinary. At the end of the day, if Evan moves through life leading with kindness, that might be the best sign that we’ve done our job well. In facing all the challenges and joys, we’re creating a story of love—one that, we hope, makes a big difference.