Hellos and Goodbyes: Navigating Love and Co-parenting in Polyamory

About a year and a half ago, Eli and Charlie embarked on their latest adventure, setting up home two states away.  This led to Eli and I navigating many deep discussions about what this meant for us. 

It was a pre-kiddo, pre-pregnancy chapter filled with big decisions and bigger dreams. I fully supported Eli’s move with Charlie. I was confident in our strong communication skills to navigate life’s unpredictable dance.

We established a two-week rhythm: Eli would split his time between our home and his new life with Charlie, adjusting for flight costs and those inevitable, unexpected events.  Despite some hiccups, this routine has largely been successful.

However, the logistical ease doesn’t diminish the emotional impact of Eli’s fortnightly departures.  We miss his presence dearly—Evan misses his playful antics, and I long for the relief his extra hands bring in caring for Evan and giving me a moment to breathe.

Last night marked yet another goodbye.  Faye, our supportive housemate and friend, took Eli to the airport, allowing me to stick to Evan’s regular bedtime routine.  Amidst these farewells, the burden of increasing household responsibilities and the holiday preparations, which now seemed to rest solely on my shoulders, became more apparent.

The quality time spent with Eli during his stay was invaluable.  We embraced the festive spirit, setting up and decorating our Christmas tree, engaging in holiday shopping, and baking treats to share with family.  I also managed to catch up on some volunteer work while Eli took on baby duties.  In the days leading to his departure, Eli was a whirlwind of helpfulness, easing my load wherever possible.

Yet, amidst these precious moments, there’s a tinge of sadness and concern about Evan’s rapid growth and Eli missing out.  While home this time, Eli witnessed Evan’s progression from tentative army crawling to confident movement on all fours, even conquering the stairs.  It wouldn’t surprise me if Evan started walking during Eli’s absence.

This is the essence of our polyamorous family life.  When I decided to embark on the journey of parenthood, I was aware that solo parenting spells would be a part of our reality.  Eli, too, recognized that his dual-state living arrangement would mean missing some of Evan’s key milestones. 

Despite these challenges, the life we’ve crafted together feels just right, and we cherish how we’ve made it work. The unwavering mutual support we’ve extended to each other over the years has been pivotal in our choice to become co-parents. This ensures we can pursue our individual passions while fulfilling our shared parenting duties.

As Evan grows and understands the world better, we may need to adapt our arrangements.  However, the core of our relationship—continuous, open dialogue—will remain, ensuring both Eli and I feel connected and fulfilled in our partnership.

Eli will be back in time for Evan’s first Christmas, a much-anticipated celebration with steak, crab, and mulled wine.  We plan to maximize our time together with trips to the zoo and walks to the park before he departs again.

Now, I want to point out that every polyamorous family has its unique dynamics.  Some families co-parent under one roof, while others have additional partners who play more of an ‘aunt’ or ‘uncle’ role without direct parenting responsibilities.

There’s no single template for parenting in a polyamorous family.  So, what does your poly-family look like?  What arrangements have you found practical, and what boundaries have you set?