The Last Latch: Embracing the End of My Breastfeeding Journey

I’ve attempted to maintain a regular feeding and pumping schedule for months, hoping to sustain my supply. But with the whirlwind of daily life – managing laundry, dishes, personal care, and the animals- I often felt as if I was trying to balance on one foot while juggling ten balls, and it became challenging to stick to a routine.

Then, there was the onset of Dysphoric Milk Ejection Reflex (DMER), an uninvited and distressing experience during my pumping sessions. Each night, as I settled into bed to pump, an overwhelming wave of dread would engulf me. It was a tumultuous blend of the urge to scream, cry, and lash out, all in a fleeting yet intense moment. Discovering resources that explained DMER was helpful, but enduring it night after night was a challenge I never anticipated.

And let me tell you about baby teeth! Those tiny, sharp teeth were a constant reminder of Evan’s growing independence. For weeks, each nursing session was shadowed by the anxiety of a possible painful bite. Despite my reactions, Evan seemed undeterred, ready to bite again moments later.

Thankfully, Evan has taken well to bottle feeding from the beginning, often appearing to prefer it for the freedom it offers them to observe their surroundings while eating.

So, last night, I made the decision to skip my usual pumping session. It had become a daunting task, especially after exhausting days, and the diminishing returns – from 8 ounces down to just 4 – were disheartening. I was also curious to see how my body would react without the nightly routine.

Continuing our usual morning routine, I got Evan up, changed their diaper, and settled into our Lazy Boy for morning cuddles and feeding time. Looking into their face, I reminisced about the past eight and a half months. The experience of nourishing and providing them with something my body uniquely produced was incredible, and I am so grateful for it.

Yet, at that moment, I realized it was time to embrace this new chapter. I needed to stop berating myself for not meeting my own, perhaps unrealistic, expectations. Evan is thriving, happy, and healthy, whether breastfed or formula-fed. The pressure to exclusively breastfeed is outdated in the context of our diverse and evolving parenting journey.

Recently, Eli helped me see my tendency to be overly critical of myself. While I lamented not being able to breastfeed for a longer period and expressed a wish to have produced enough milk for donation, I had overlooked the irony in my thoughts. It was a poignant reminder that there is a need for donated breast milk precisely because not everyone can provide it. Yet, I was also unfairly harsh on myself for not being able to meet my own high standards.

As I write this, there’s a mix of sadness and apprehension about moving away from this phase of parenting. There’s fear – of losing a unique bond with Evan, concern about their health without my antibodies, and a sense of time passing all too quickly. But deep down, I recognize that “fed is best.” The conventional wisdom of exclusive breastfeeding doesn’t fit every family’s needs or situation.

This is more than just a goodbye to breastfeeding. It’s an acknowledgment of change and growth and an appreciation for the beautiful, messy reality of parenting. It’s a lesson in self-forgiveness and a celebration of the diverse ways we can nourish our children physically and emotionally.