Part 1 – How it started

This will be one of those topics that I know I will discuss throughout this blog. Our family is polyamorous. We made this decision long before deciding to have kids. We don’t plan to change this part of our lives just because of kids. So how do you navigate raising kids in a polyamorous family when the world around them is so monogamous?

I imagine some of my posts on this topic will be non-parenting-specific, but hopefully, they give light on who we are as parents. I also imagine a lot of discussion about the decisions we make around kiddo and how they affect or are affected by our relationships.

What is Polyamory?

Polyamory typically involves the practice of committing to multiple consensual romantic relationships simultaneously. That is, dating or engaging in more than one relationship. It’s an alternative to monogamy which generally involves only two people committed solely to each other. 

One common misconception about polyamory is that it’s all about having multiple sexual partners. While this can be a part of it for some people, it’s not the sole focus and is not the case in our dynamic. Polyamorous relationships can involve deep emotional connections and commitment to multiple other partners outside the realms of sex.

Another misconception is that polyamorous relationships are chaotic and unstable. While they can certainly have challenges, like any relationship, they can also be stable and fulfilling. Effective communication, honesty, and a strong foundation of trust are crucial to making polyamorous relationships work.

One important aspect of polyamory is consent. All parties involved in a polyamorous relationship must fully and enthusiastically consent to the arrangement. This means that everyone involved must be aware of and comfortable with their partner having other partners and that no one is pressured into the relationship against their will.

It’s also vital for polyamorous individuals to be open and honest with their partners about their needs and boundaries. It’s crucial to establish clear communication and to make sure that everyone involved is on the same page about what the relationship looks like.

Another important aspect of polyamory is the concept of “compersion.” This is the feeling of happiness and joy that comes from seeing one’s partner happy with another person. It is often considered the opposite of jealousy and, in my opinion, an essential part of a successful polyamorous relationship. This is not to say that jealousy does not happen in polyamorous relationships.

Polyamory is not for everyone, and it’s important to remember that different relationship models work for different people. If you’re interested in exploring polyamory, it’s essential to communicate openly and honestly with your partners, establish clear boundaries and expectations, and be prepared for the challenges that may arise. With open communication and a strong foundation of trust, polyamorous relationships can be rewarding and fulfilling.

If you have more specific questions about polyamory, please feel free to comment or reach out.

How our journey started

We have been actively polyamorous for nearly 8 years. When we look back to the first years of our relationship, we can see that we had the mindset and outlook of a polyamorous relationship but did not have the knowledge or language for it.

It was obvious from the beginning. On only date three, I introduced Eli to my ex and his girlfriend, whom I had also been dating, up to that point. I had made it clear to Eli that I kept close friendships with the people I dated and didn’t deal with jealousy.

Within the first months of being together, Eli and I would go to bars together and flirt with anyone around, never blinking an eye. We felt comfortable and safe that our relationship would be there no matter what.

About 3 years into our relationship, I moved towns for a job, and Eli stayed to finish college. Because of the distance, it was at this point that we started talking about unmet needs and the possibility of dating other people.

There was never a discussion about us breaking up, as we loved and cared for each other immensely, but when apart, maybe there was an alternative to the loneliness.

I remember a hilarious morning waking up to a panicked call from Eli that he had made out with a coworker. He was so scared that I would be upset because it was the first time he had done something with another person without me nearby. It didn’t phase me. Eli had had fun and met a need that I couldn’t provide to him at that time. I know he still loved me and that everything was ok.

Shortly after this, Eli started seeing other people more often. I also began dating someone, kind of.

Eli started his first serious dating adventure right as we moved back in together. There was no rule book for us to follow, and we had to figure it out as we went.

We would set boundaries and then nudge our way up to those boundaries to see how they felt, and then we would reassess. We messed up some things along the way and have definitely looked back and identified things we should have done differently. But we continued to see and feel how this relationship dynamic was right for us. 

Eli was with that person for a little over two years. They and their partner were even at our wedding. The breakup was tough on all of us. But I’m honestly grateful for everything we learned in those first few years.

Not long after, Eli started another serious interest that lived a few states away. But within 2 years, they packed everything up and moved in with us. Creating an entirely new journey of polyamory and learning.

Living with a metamore is probably worth an entire book and something I’m sure I’ll discuss many times over. But for now, I will leave it at this. I may sometimes struggle to see eye to eye with Eli’s other partners. But I am incredibly grateful to have them in my polycue. They make Eli happy and meet his needs in areas that I do not. And I also get my free time.

As for me, I date. I enjoy the freedom of going out with my friends and acting single. I get to flirt and kiss whoever I want. I love being a safe person for my friends, whom they can cuddle up to and kiss without feeling weird and awkward. But ultimately, I only need one solid relationship. The rest of my time is full of friends and hobbies.

Being poly with a kid

Since we are just now pregnant and preparing for our first, I don’t have much first-hand experience in this space. We are excited that this kiddo will have multiple adult figures in their life to look up to and rely on. We are confident our lifestyle will positively affect kiddo, and I’m excited to share that journey here.

Keep an eye out for more posts on our family journey in polyamory, and let me know if you have any questions.

In the meantime, do you know any polyamorous persons that have started the adventure of kids? How has their journey gone so far?