7 Questions Before Becoming a Parent

Quite often, society pressures us to move in a linear manner. Graduate high school, go to college, get a job, find a relationship, get married, buy a house, have kids, and on and on and on.

Most of us move in this linear pattern for years before stopping and asking ourselves why. Not to say that the movement is always wrong, but it’s not for everyone, and it’s okay to go down a different path.

I am certainly one of the people who has followed society’s expectations. With a few detours in being gay and polyamorous, I have more or less moved along the line my whole life. The next step of which would be having a kid.

Since a young age, I’ve known that I wanted to be a parent. But over the years, I have had to stop and ask myself if this path was what I wanted or whether society was telling me what I needed to do next.

Here are some questions and thoughts I have spent time on to ensure that I genuinely want to be a mom and not tick off the next box in society’s agenda for me.

1) Have I done all the things I want to do in life that would be difficult if I had a kid?

We all have dreams and goals that we want to accomplish in life. Whether it’s a degree, traveling, or something else, the responsibilities of having a kid can make doing other things difficult. And while having a kid doesn’t mean that life stops, can you imagine moving at the same speed with a car seat, stroller, diaper bag, and bottles?

I had the opportunity to do a decent amount of traveling in my 20s and finish a doctoral program. I saw parts of the world that would not have been possible with an infant or toddler in toe. And I have a degree that provides me with fantastic job opportunities.

Now, in my 30s, there is still more of the world to see, but partaking in it like I’m 25 is less critical, so traveling with a kid sounds more doable.

2) Am I ready to lose my “me time”?

Many people who become parents lose their identity outside of that role. They forget about the things they once enjoyed and the life they had before their kids. The space we give ourselves when we have no one else relying on us to live is a crucial space we need to be ready to fight for and/or share when we become a parent.

I spend a lot of time volunteering, which means the world to me. When thinking about becoming a parent and how it’ll affect my volunteer work, I often consider if I can maintain it all while also committing to being a mom.

While I recognize that I may need to shift around some priorities, I am confident in my support system. The volunteer work I do is my “me time,” It keeps me stable and defines a lot of my personality. I know that with the support of my friends and family, I will be able to maintain it.

3) Is my physical and mental health in a space to care for another human being?

Having a kid is a huge responsibility. It not only affects our ability to get shit done, but it can also affect our physical and mental health.

Pregnancy will take a toll on your body. The hormones and stress of pregnancy will affect your mental health. Then caring for a baby, the lack of sleep, breastfeeding, and juggling work can all strain us in ways we never imagined. We must understand and prepare for this.

While my younger self was a bit more at my physical prime, my mental health is far better today than it ever was in my 20s. That said, I was able to complete a 10k race recently, so I can’t say I am unfit.

As an adult with depression and anxiety, I am a strong advocate for focusing on and prioritizing mental health. I have a fantastic therapist that works with me to create coping mechanisms to handle my depression.

Still, postpartum depression is a huge concern and something I will need to keep an eye out for. But with the help of my therapist and the things I know that help me get through the depression, I know I’ll be okay.

4) Am I financially ready to care for another human?

Babies and pregnancy are expensive, especially if you don’t have good health insurance. According to an analysis released by the Kaiser Family Foundation in July 2022, the average pregnancy and childbirth cost $19,000.

As far as raising a kid, the U.S. Department of Agriculture has discussed studies that have estimated $20,000 to $50,000 for the first year of a kiddo’s life. With an average of $12,000 to $14,000 each year after that.

Ten years ago, I could barely care for myself financially, let alone a child. I was still in school full-time, making less than 20k a year with only the school-provided insurance.

Now, my partner and I are both well off in our careers. We own our home, contribute to retirement, and have extra savings. While we will need to figure out how to budget for a baby, I wouldn’t second guess that we can financially handle one.

5) Am I ready for my body to change?

Pregnancy takes a physical toll on our bodies and an emotional toll on our mental health. While we’d like to think we will bounce back, running, lifting, and breastfeeding, we need to be prepared that that may not happen.

This has been a hard one for me. My body confidence is something I’ve struggled with since I was a kid and something I still battle with today.

I have made progress in loving my body and have learned to adjust my perception and opinion of society’s standards. I still fight with body dysmorphic thoughts daily.

When deciding to get pregnant, I had to prepare myself for changes that would most likely be permanent. And while I work to embrace these thoughts, I know I will struggle with them when they come.

6) Do I have the support system to do this?

Kids are a lot of work; babies are a lot of work. And while many parents do it alone, having a support system can make a considerable difference when caring for your kiddo and your own well-being.

This support can come from a partner, family, friends, or neighbors. Everyone’s support systems look different, but if you know you have someone to lean on, you’ll find life more manageable.

This is a question that I have never doubted. While I struggle with the idea that my family may not approve of some of my parental decisions, I know they will be by my side.

Aside from family, I have a great network of friends that would be here for me at the drop of a hat. I know that I will never be alone on this adventure.

7) Why do I want to be a mom?

This may be the most crucial question of them all. It is a question that every person should consider and honestly answer before diving into parenthood.

A quick Google search will give you dozens of stories of people who regret having children. They followed society’s linear structure and started having kids without thinking about it. It was the next step in life.

As they raise their kids with resentment and disdain, their kids see it and often grow to also resent their parents.

A massive wave of millennials and gen z are now consciously deciding not to have children. And while a lot of society is still telling them that they will change their minds, this is a shift in the idea that we can make that decision and don’t have to follow a straight line.

I said earlier that I always knew I wanted to be a mom. But over the years, I have spent a lot of time asking and reasking myself this question.

When I was younger, I thought kids were necessary because who would I grow old for, and who would take care of me when I was too old to care for myself? This was not the right mindset.

The relationship we develop with our kids can not be conditional or created with expectations.

Having kids means raising an autonomous human being that gets to make their own life decisions, and you get to support those decisions regardless of what they are.

**Do not have kids if there is a single thing that would cause you to “disown” them.**

Ultimately, I want to become a parent to share the world with them. I want to show them how great the world can be. I wish to raise a child with compassion and love and see how they face life’s challenges.

This is not an exhaustive list of things we should consider before deciding to have kids. Still, these are the questions I kept coming back to over the last decade as I tried to decide.

Now 5 months pregnant, I know I am ready for this journey and so excited about it. My next adventure awaits.